BUKKY SHONIBARE @BukkyShonibare WAS OUR 2ND GUEST SPEAKER ON THE MARCH EDITION OF #AARTALK. SHE SHARED ON "LEMONADE FROM LIME."
She kicked off the session by sharing her ordeal story and how she got back up, she also shared the life lessons to encourage others that have been through her experience. It was really emotional and eye-opening session. you can have a good read here.......
Hello, it's great coming on this platform to share. Apologies for the delay. Network is eratic where I am. @Bunmi_Sobowale
Let's go straight to the point and dissect today's topic - "LEMONADE FROM LEMON." Crux of today's topic is about bouncing back.
I will start with my personal experience in setting d contextual background for today's topic. I know what it means to be abused.
Recent statistics shows that at least 4 in every 5 women would have been abused in one way or the other before age 18.
Abuse can be any of the different forms, like: Physical, Domestic, Psychological, Sexual, Emotional, Verbal, Economic, & Mental.
However, for d purpose of today's conversation, we would focus on 'Sexual Abuse.' This is can be manifested in different ways...
E.g. Unwanted sexual touching, vulgar comments, pressure for sex, forcing you to have unprotected sex, forcing to get pregnant..
or to have an abortion, sexting, forcing to have sex or watch others have sex, forcing to use or participate in pornography, etc
I experienced some of these forms of abuse as a growing young girl. The effects of these abuse go beyond what words can convey.
Sexually-abused people loose their sense of worth such that they think less of who they are to d extent of having low self esteem.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is imminent for sexually-abused people. It's a prolonged feeling of stress, fear, & anxiety.
Flashbacks is another effect of sexual abuse where a victim have memories as though it is taking place in the current moment.
Depression is yet another effect. It's the feeling of sadness and unhappiness that have a negative impact on the victim's life.
Sexually-Transmitted Disease is rampant for victims of sexual abuse and this occurs whether the abuse is consensual or forced.
Some have physical effects from a sexual abuse. For me, I still have scars from past experience. It never leaves.
Those scars are like reminders of how one was forcefully abused by a perpetrator who was physically stronger than the victim.
It becomes a CHOICE if a victim wild continue to act as one or shift to become a survivor. It's a very hard choice, but doable.
Abuse can NEVER be consensual; that is why it is 'abuse.' But some are abused without knowing and they think it's consensual. @dre4success
When a victim decides to be a survivor is when such person begins to turn what was meant to be a bitter lemon 2 sweet lemonade.
It's only then the victim cease allowing the abuser control his/her life. It has to be a conscious effort. Let's explore 'how.'
The first step to bouncing back is to EXHALE. By this, I mean, stop bottling up your experience. Talk/share with a trusted person.
For 12 years, I did not talk about my abuse experience. I was scared of not being believed. I was scared of being stigmatized.
I was scared that nothing would be done to the perpetrator. I was scared I'd be the looser. So I kept quiet. But that kills more.
So, because I bottled things up, I handled the effects alone - my fears, depression, stress, flashbacks, and every effects!
I became very resentful. I was bitter. I wanted to see my abuser and inflict pains on him and tell him I am stronger after all.
For the 1st time 2 yrs ago, I shared my experience. It was like a big load lifted off my shoulder. A load I carried for 12 yrs.
Then I realized I had become a perpetrator of abuse to myself. Carrying such load was detrimental to me & not d primary abuser.
Again, d 1st step to making a lemonade from your bitter lemon experience is to share & just breathe it out. You'd be better off..
Second step is to FORGIVE. Like someone said, when u forgive, you set a prisoner free; and that prisoner is you. Hard, but necessary.
I learnt d power of forgiveness from forgiving my abuser. I believe if I can forgive such person, there's no one I can't forgive.
Forgiveness is also your way of telling yourself you are no longer in the bondage your 'lemon' experience seeks to put you.
So, again, first step is EXHALE; second is FORGIVE. The third is for u to SEEK HELP. Truth is, u cant make that lemonade alone.
You need assistance bouncing back. That is why God has place good and true people around you. Look around, there's love around
You need someone to handhold you though the bouncing back process. Someone to talk to. Someone to cry to. Someone to counsel you.
You need someone you can scream to and throw tantrums without the fear of being judged or pushed aside. Doing so is therapeutic.
Never be afraid or ashamed to see such people. They come in different forms: spouse, buddy, pal, bestie, etc. Seek them out.
Don't just seek such people: PERMIT YOURSELF to be helped. And that would be d 4th step of turning your lemon experience to lemonade.
From my experience, I have frustrated some who tried to help me bounce back because I just didn't allow them 'full' access.
Loss of trust comes with being abused, and because of that, victims find it difficult to fully allow those who just want to help.
While it's important that those who seek to help understand the peculiarity of victims, such victims MUST permit themselves.
Understand that every one has an elasticity point; including those who are patient enough to help u bounce back. Don't drive them mad!
I read somewhere, never push a loyal person to a point where they no longer give a damn. Understand they are humans with needs.
Let me chip in, when u permit yourself to be helped, don't be self-centered in so doing. The person helping you also have needs.
So far, we've explored 4 ways of turning your lemons to lemonade: EXHALE, FORGIVE, SEEK HELP, and PERMIT YOURSELF. The 5th is..
EXCRETE: You've got to excrete every negative words, thoughts, and feelings that comes with being abused. They are wastes.
I recall when I was being abused by a former boss. He'd say: 'who do you think u are; there are more beautiful girls than you.'
He'd say I'm not as intelligent or smart; and that 'good girls' like me end up with 'junkies'. For a long time, I believed him.
I took those words in and allowed them shape.
I had to 1st consciously define who I am; what I see myself to be; and what I want to be. I created my 'world' of the super me!
After my self-definition, I replaced every of those 'wastes' & degrading words wt words that described who I know myself to be.
So, when I have flashbacks & I remember.
Every self-description of me were not just perceived, I ensured they were actuals. They left my thought realm and became REALities.
Paulo Coelho said in his book, 'The Alchemist', "when a man wants a thing, the entire universe conspires to make it happen."
So, we've covered 5 ways of turning bitter lemon to sweet lemonade: EXHALE, FORGIVE, SEEK HELP, PERMIT YOURSELF, and EXCRETE.
Follow me, I'd be done in 8 more tweets. The 6th way of turning a bitter lemon experience to lemonade is to RULE YOUR WORLD!
To 'Rule Your World' you have to first create what that world is to you! Do you want a world where you are in charge of you?
Rule a world you consciously create, not one that just happened. So, ask yourself 'what world do I want?'
What do you want out of life? A world of serenity, satisfaction, wealth, good health, family, good relationship with God, etc?
Create & define what success means to u in each of those areas of that world. E.g. What does success in family life means to you?
When you have d definition of that world, don't just live in it, RULE it. Never allow your past lemon determine how you live life.
The 7th and last point of how to turn your bitter lemon experiences to a sweet lemonade life is THE GOD FACTOR.
In God, ALL THINGS contain. You'd never be able 2 have a life that negates what d enemy wishes wt d lemon experience without God.
In conclusion, it is POSSIBLE to indeed turn a bitter lemon life experience to a sweet lemonade one. If you believe, you can.
Having concluded, I wish to thank @Bunmi_Sobowale for having me on this #AARTalk platform. Thanks for transforming lives. God increase you.
Bukky Shonibare is the CEO, 555 Consulting (HR & Strategy) | Founder, School of HRM (http://www.the555group.com ) | Founder, Adopt-A-Camp | Coordinator, School-In-A-Bag Project. You can connect with her on twitter....
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